lilapplecider

07:38 pm: Pet Peeves
Pet Peeve- People who make plans with me, than bail out. But do not tell me they are bailing. I just end up finding out as I am overhearing their conversation with their significant other. Yeah. That's not cool.

In other news. Swing dancing is awesome. Getting older is scary. And I'm a little bit afraid that this birthday is going to be the loneliest birthday I have ever had.

Go Tribe!!!

05:55 pm: So this weekend I went to my cousin's wedding in Grand Rapids Michigan. It was a beautiful ceremony, and she looked absolutely gorgeous and ridiculously happy.

Have I mentioned that she is 22 years old?

It's very surreal. To me, we will always be in middle school, squabbling and playing capture the flag in the backyard at Thanksgiving. And now she is married. Things like that make me realize how much growing up I have to do. I mean, life starts and either you are ready for it or not. I don't mean knowing exactly what you want to do, or having the whole thing planned and ready. But the real world is coming. No matter what happens I have to take care of myself and at least begin to see life in a different way.

I am starting to realize that it doesn't matter so much which way I go in life, as long as I reach my destination in the end. It's a calming notion. The other thing I realized is how excited I am to meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Anyway. 1 wedding this summer down 1 to go.

12:26 pm: Because it's funny
<td align="center"> Sarah Seider --
[noun]:

A real life muppet

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

12:23 am: Frustration.

I HATE being dismissed offhand. I HATE when I ask people questions, or have suggestions, and they just say no. No real reason why, no good reasons. Suggestions less than favors. But when I ask for something that would make a lot of people's lives a whole lot easier, and I get shot down because she "doesn't want to" It pisses me off.

And then, because I'm pissed off, I want to do something to get back, to make them mad. Like take 20 minutes with my costume change just to be a bitch.

And then I realize I'm thinking like a 4 year old, and that pisses me off even more, because I can't seem to grow up.

I'm not always a good person. But I want to be.

What's wrong with me?

I want to cry.

08:51 am: Spring Break
For those of you who don't know, I spent spring break in California with my grandparents. It was great, the weather was fantastic, and it was just a ton of fun. But I think my favorite part about the weekend was getting to see my grandparents.

They are getting older. It's hard to watch, and even harder to say. My grandfather is having back problems, so he doesn't walk so well. My grandmother had a stroke in december (a very mild one thank God), and although she's a lot better now than she was right after it, you can still see how it aged her. But even though they are getting older, it is adorable to see how they still love each other, and how they help each other.

Every night at dinner, my grandfather pulls out my grandmother's chair for her, and gives her a kiss. It's been their tradition for 58 years. They tease each other and crack jokes about living with one person for so long, but they are so comfortable with each other they do things without thinking. It's just the way they've done them for so long.

I want that with somebody. That easy familiarity, and the simple traditions that keep you going.

I want it to be spring now. I am very tired of snow and cold.

07:57 pm: Fate
Do you believe in fate? HAve you ever believed, if only for a second, that something happens for a reason? Especially silly little things? Have you ever opened a fortune cookie and read the fortune and wanted to believe that you got that fortune for a reason, that somebody, or something is trying to tell you something?

I'm so realistic about most things. I feel almost ridiculous when I believe things like that. But I read my fortune "Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life." And I almost believe it. That the reason Jessie tossed me that fortune cookie was the universe's way of telling me that everything is going okay, that things are working out the way they are supposed to, and second guessing myself will only make my life more stressful right now.

My mother said something similar to me the other day. Maybe the universe is screaming at me. If it takes a fortune cookie to make me really think about it. How does one listen harder to the universe?

I think i'll keep this fortune on me for awhile. Let the Universe know I'm listening, or atleast I'm trying to.

04:18 pm: When I was younger, say around middle school. We had this computer basketball game. Basically the same thing they have on video systems today, but this was the computer. It was a lot of fun, you could choose your teams from the actual players in the NBA and stuff. I always used to put Hakeem Olajuwon on my team. I think I just liked his name, cause he certainly wasn't a Cavs player. For those who aren't up on their basketball greats, he was a fantastic center. I think he's in the top 5 of all time lists. But that isn't what this story is about. The fact is, I used him to shoot 3 point shots during this game. I used my really tall center, to shoot 3 pointers. Talk about misuse of ability.

I had a dream about this last night. Only it was myself. And people were yelling at me, telling me how I was totally misusing my abilities. That I have these talents, that I am just not putting into the correct field.

I don't really believe in dreams, I don't dream a lot, and when I do I kind of go with the freudian theory that it's my subconscious being retarded.

I feel like I am avoiding things, feelings. There's a guy. One of my best guy friends. I've been telling myself I don't like him for years now. I mean, he's fantastic, but I never thought I liked him. But we were talking the other night, about him going out on a date with one of my friends. And a surprising flash of jealousy ran through my body. It kinda threw me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't want to like him. Because I don't want him not to like me back. I don't want to let my stupidity get in the way of this fantastic friendship. It's more complicated than it seems here, I promise. I just don't have the energy to write it all down and explain it. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty sure that this is the reason I've been in such a self-hating mood lately.

It's been so long since I've been kissed. I mean really kissed. It's messing with my head.

Anyway, in happier news. Seeing people I haven't seen in forever REALLY SOON! Brain twin is coming this weekend which makes me so happy. I want this week to be over already so next weekend comes. And then, for spring break I get to go visit Matt Hall in San Diego. Happiness abounds! It's so sad that everybody has to grow up and move all around the country making it hard to see them :-( But I guess it makes visits that much more special!!

I love my puppy.

11:52 pm: Dear Friends,

What I really want to do right now is write a really long emo post about how I feel at this moment. But I'm not gonna. Mainly cause I'm sure nobody wants to hear it. And secondly cause I know it's pretty much the winter blahs and the fact that I keep managing not to go to the gym. I need some endorphines and the freezing walks with the dog aren't doing it for me. Although the puppy helps in many many ways :-D

So, if you happen to talk to me, or see me, and I seem a little bi-polar. Please tell me to get off my ass and go to the gym.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Lazy Winter Sarah

06:46 pm: New Years :-)
You can tell the New Year is fast approaching. On my way home from France I walked into one of the little book shops in the airport. The first huge display of books was all self-help. How to change yourself in seven days. And the magazine racks are even worse. Each and every cover spouting words like "Make your resolution stick!" or "Start your New Year's diet today!"

Makes me wonder what my New Year's resolution should be.

What goal, that I fully realize will probably not be kept, should I pick. Which trait should I pointlessly try to change about myself for 2007? Should I be less focused on boys? But then I realize that is silly, I'm not really the kind of girl who has ever been obsessed with boys. But then again, I think that's because I get the most guys when I'm not focused on guys, so in not being focused on guys I am anyway because I have them.

Perhaps a weight loss goal. But I detest weight loss resolutions because it's so uncreative. That and I don't want that to be a resolution, I just want exercise and a healthy diet to be a part of my life. And it's just so uncreative!

Last year I made a resolution to take more care with my appearance on a daily basis. I didn't do so good at that one, but it's still a goal of mine. But how pathetic is that? Choosing the same New Year's resolution as last year just because I couldn't make it stick last year. Horribly sad and pathetic.

There is always the rebellious choice of not making a New Year's resolution because the entire concept of them is a cutural expectation thrust upon us, forcing us to decide at this one time that there is something about ourselves that we need to change, and then spend a month or two furiously trying to keep said resolution knowing all the while that it's a futile cutural stupidity. But then again, I've never managed to be one of those rebellious types. And sad as it may be, I like the idea of a time where people can feel inadequate and yet know that everyone else is right there with you.

But all of this leaves me at square one. I have no New Year's resolution. Or I can't choose just one. Who knows. I still have three days to decide.

It's good to be home.

03:42 pm: What about me?
Sometimes I just feel like a failure you know?

Not a failure as in I fail at things, or anything, but moreso that I cannot just seem to succeed at anything, as hard as I try. Perhaps I just don't know how to try, or perhaps I don't work hard enough, or something else. I don't know. But to succeed at anything is just beyond my reach, and I don't know how to get there.

I know my future is a worry that I am always complaining about, but I don't think people quite understand. My inability to find a niche in life, my constant falters on what decision I should make, it all stems from not having success in anything to give me a clue that I am going in the right direction.

I worry about my ability to get a job, and to get into grad school. My grades are shit, well okay, not shit, but they certainly aren't good. And the classes I get the best grades in are the easy classes that don't have anything to do with real life, like music theory, which I only get good grades in cause I already knew all the stuff they taught, from taking piano for 12 years. I am impatient, harsh, resistant to authority, convinced of my own opinion, bitchy, immature, and petty. I take out my feelings on things on other people, I never react to bad situations the way I should, and I STILL leave in a huff sometimes. I wouldn't want to hire me, who else would?

And the worse part is, I can't seem to change. I try to change my bad habits, my bad attitude, but it always seems to come back.

I fully realize that this is just a list of my bad traits, that I have good traits too, but it's hard to focus on those sometimes. Especially when they don't seem to get me anywhere. And when I also have a lot of traits that can be good or bad depending on how I use them it's even harder to change for the better.

I realize there are things that I am good at, honestly I do. But it doesn't matter that I have a pretty voice, when I don't have the acting chops or looks to make use of it. I know I am good at memorizing things, but it's worthless when you don't have a goal of what to memorize.

I feel inadequate. That is a good word. Not like I am failing at anything, but just like I am just behind the line of what constitutes good for anything.

Not only do I not succeed at anything, I am completely scared of failure. This is why I shy away from teh idea of med school, because I am just terrified that I will do terribly on the MCAT and that every school would reject me. And it would just justify my inadequacy at life.

I need a sign. I need some kind of validation that doesn't come from the people who know me best. I need validation from a complete and total stranger, or a class, or anything.

For those who are wondering this all stemmed from teh fact that my grades here in France suck. And it's not like a really care about what I'm getting in analyzing french poetry, but it's having to explain it to somebody. HAving to explain that because I wasn't as good as everybody else in French that my grades suffered because I couldn't express myself in a sophisticated fashion. It's just another validation that I am not as good as everybody else. It's not that I'm terrible, it's just that there are plenty of people in line in front of me.

Now I'm standing on the corner all the world's gone home
Nobodys changed, nobodys been saved and I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I've smiled a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got.
What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see, I want to live
But you just take more than you give

11:03 am: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My host family started putting up it's christmas tree yesterday. It's not a big tree, but they have lots of decorations to go around the entire house.

Everywhere you walk in Nantes, it's obvious that it's december. There are lights strewn up all over the city, and at night they are all lit up in different colors. There are booths everywhere selling gifts, and specials everywhere like merry-go-rounds, bumper cars, and food stands. I don't really get a chance to listen to the radio, but I am sure that there are french Christmas carols playing all the time.

Everyone seems happier. I think this is the glamour period, where everyone is all excited about the holidays, but hasn't gotten sick of too many people and artery clogging food and crowds. It's catching. I'm happier today than I have been for awhile. However, that could be due to lots of things, including the fact that I get to swing dance and go to the Opera this weekend, and next weekend I get to explore Paris with my father, and the weekend after that I get to dance more, and the weekend after that I get to go home. 23 days. And plenty to do, including finding gifts for everyone.

That's what tomorrow's goal is. Present hunting. I've been feeling better, so I think I'm up to a day of running around. And i'll take a nap before swing dancing so that I'll be good.

Secret wish: That I could find a really inexpensive menorah and candles. I really want to be able to celebrate Hanukkah. Even if all by myself in a country that still shouts death to the jews. Look up Paris soccer hooligans in the news if you're interested in THAT story.

Merry Christmas season everybody.

09:43 am: 30 more days.

I could say that I'm not ready to go home, but that would be a lie. Thanksgiving was probably the hardest day ever. Although I was very proud of myself. I don't think I really cried in front of anybody, and I tried really hard to enjoy the cute dinner they put together for us. It was really sweet of them.

On the plus side though, I get to see my Dad again in 2 weeks. Yay for business conferences in Munich ending on a Thursday and him not going home until Sunday.

So, Paris and then home. I've had enough of the European life for awhile. I love travelling here, but living here is just too darn hard for me.

Just 30 more days. 1 month. I can do this. It'll go by like a flash.

02:05 pm: Hormones + Illness + Homesickness = sucks majorly.

I realize I am a crabby pants bitch right now. So my point of view might be a little bit biased, but some people are really inconsiderate fucks.

Honestly,when you walk into a room with somebody obviously taking a nap, I mean, its cool to take a seat in a comfy chair and read or do wahtever, that's cool. It is NOT COOL to walk in and decide to watch Elf. First of all thats a horrible movie, and second of all its damn inconsiderate. End of story.

I want a bowl of matzo ball soup :-(

I feel like crap.

12:35 pm: Brussells and Amsterdam
Well, I finally took advantage of being in Europe. Took a nice vacation to Brussels and Amsterdam.

I won't lie, the trip started off really badly. I had booked the 6:12 train cause I wouldn't have to wait for 2 hours in Lille, and I figured I could use the extra time. However, I did not take into account that Wednesday was Toussaint. The actual holiday halloween (all hallows eve) is supposed to be about. In France and Belgium it would appear that they take it quite seriously. I didn't know there were no trams that morning. So I ended up running the 2 miles to the train station and still missing my train by 5 minutes. I paid a hefty little fee, but I did switch tickets and I did get to Brussels. ACtually earlier than I was scheduled to with my first trip. The train was uneventful, but Brussels however was moreso. In fact, everything was closed. I decided to go take pictures of the palace but then it started raining. Hard. So, I stayed in the hotel room basically on Wednesday, however this actually was very nice and relaxing. I took a nap, and I enjoyed myself with movies in English on the television. It was nice to be by myself and not worrying about anything for awhile.

On Friday I trained to Amsterdam so that Colin could put me up and show me around the city. Amsterdam is an awesome city, all these beautiful canals, and it is so unbelievably cool that EVERYBODY bikes across the city. They have tons of bike lanes and you see bikes locked up all over the city. I got to see the Anne Frank house which was very moving, and Saturday night was museum night so for one price I got to see a whole bunch of museums and it was basically one big party.

Pictures on facebook.

My trip home was more than a little bit long, it started at 12:23 and didn't end until 10:00 at night. Could have been worse though, I could have been on a plane for those 9 and a half hours. And let me tell you, trains are a whole lot more comfortable than planes.

It was bizarre though, all along the way home I would see couples standing together on the platforms arms around each other, giving each other kisses and stuff. And I was struck with a feeling very much like jealousy. I don't understand. I have never cared for much of that, I have never been the type of girl who looks for a boyfriend, or pines away without one like a lot of girls I know. And I certainly have never been the touchy feely in public type with most of the guys I've dated. (Although I am with my gay men...hmmm)

I have always prided myself on keeping a realistic view of it. I mean, it's not like I couldn't have a boyfriend if I wanted to. I mean, I spent the weekend with a guy who would probably take me back if I asked. And yet, although he is a great friend, he is unbelieveably exasperating and I think I would shoot myself before I ever was that desperate. I realize that the guy for me will come along and I have always figured there is no point in pining away and being one of those whiny obnoxious girls while I'm waiting for him.

And yet, I found myself wishing that I could be one of those girls on the train platforms. It was very disconcerting. Maybe it's just being here. The fact that I feel so far away from everybody who loves me. I don't have a lot of the contact that I have at home here. Who knows, whatever it is, it's not a very nice feeling, and I want it to go away.

In other news I just found out I have to register for classes tomorrow. And I feel like I'm probably going to kick my ass for the schedule I have planned. SEriously I have classes from 12:30-6:05 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Ick.

I realize that it's stupid, and I really am enjoying myself here in France so please forgive this moment of weakness. But at this moment, I just want to go home. I miss my puppy.

11:07 am: 21st Birthday!!
1) I can't believe I am 21. I guess that really isn't surprising seeing as here in France 21st birthday's are no big thing....silly people who drink all their lives anyway. Teehee.

2) Facebook makes me feel loved. Is that pathetic??

3) Most people I know get ridiculously drunk on their 21st birthday. I however prefer my way. My father and mother took me out to a RIDICULOUSLY nice French restaurant (1 star michelin restaurant for those of you who don't quite understand that means hoity fricken toity, there are only 5-10 3 star michelin restaurants in all of europe, so getting a star is pretty impressive) Where I had a 6 course meal (actually 8 but who's counting?) which I will now explain in detail, cause it was that good.

Little starter- I wish I could explain what this was, needless to say it was fish...of some kind...or a sea creature of some kind....this doesn't even count as a course really, but it was small and tasty\
Amuse-Bouche- (for those who don't watch top chef, I felt like a guest judge, it was so neato)- a mango-salmon sushi, a little cup of tomato froth (and I do mean froth) and a little salmon pastry. So yummy, especially the sushi, bizarre combination but oh so good.
Appetizer- Lobster sandwich.....wow this was so good.
Random next course?- scallops with special salt from the sea near Nantes and cooked in lime juice. Mmmmmmmm
Fish Course- Monk fish in a really tasty sauce. This was probably my favorite course, the fish was mild and utterly wonderful. Mmmmmm.
Meat Course- Duck with mushrooms and something called knifla? Some type of pasta. This was really really tasty as well.
Dessert- Chocolate pie with rasberries, I wish I could explain this better, because let me tell you, the picture you have in your head is just wrong. This is like.....uber uber fancy. And wonderfully delicious.
After dessert dessert- just when we think we are done...they bring out a little thing of other desserts to try. At this point I am so full I can't even finish it, but I try a little bit of everything. Some really fancy mousse cup, a little madeleine type cookie, a gel-sugar thing, and a little cookie shaped like a hamburger.

All of this was accompanied by a very fine bottle of wine that celebrated my ability to drink alcohol legally in the united states....much better than being drunk in my opinion.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and I love and miss you all!!

09:19 am: I have decided I could never live in Washington or Oregon. That whole, "the rain makes the nice days more special" is just what it sounds like.....utter crap. I dislike walking around in the rain. End of story.

In other notes, I suck at poetry. I am greatly worried about my grades here, if only for the fact that I seem to have lost my touch for literature and stuff like that. And then I remember I never really had a touch for it. Only a love of it, and a dislike of analyzing every stinking detail in classes. So maybe it's a good thing I decided to go with the whole, science thing? ALthough my grades certainly aren't any better in that area. Guess I gotta hope for really good scores on the GRE if I want any chance of going to grad school at all.

So you know how Ferris Bueller said "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it"....yeah, I definitely don't stop. I plunge ahead without really stopping to enjoy anything...I'm always thinking about tomorrow. Cause I guess what is happening tomorrow is more exciting to me than what is happening today. I should stop and look around. But I feel like tomorrow it will be gone anyway, and if I don't plan for tomorrow I'll miss tomorrow too. Kinda sad.

I definitely need to enjoy being in Europe more. This is a once in a lifetime experience. Why do I feel like I keep pushing ahead?

Silliness I know. Atleast I can say I'm eating like a french pig. My diet here consists of bread, cheese, and of course, a healthy dose of nutella every day.

10:09 am: Let's see, what did I do this weekend....

Well on saturday night I went to a swing/rock dance (for those who might be a little confused, here in France they call east coast swing "rock and roll" and basically you dance east coast to music from the 60's and 70's and random country stuff, it's kinda neat, whereas "swing" most definitely refers to lindy) Anyway, discovered I still suck. Kind of depressing. I'm so sick of the basic classes though, cause I mmost definitely understand the basic moves, I just need to practice following more, lots more.

Kind of cool though, the owner of the school got all excited that I live near cleveland cause he's taken tons of classes with Valerie and Marty. That was kinda awesome.

There's a Lindy/Balboa weekend here towards the end of december. I'm really excited about it, but I don't knwo what to do. Cause I don't want to take an intro/discovery class of Balboa.....again, but I don't know all the moves they say are necessary for being in the level two class....:-/ Atleast I know which Lindy class I am in. (By the way, they do TONS of Charleston here Rob, you would LOVE it.)

And on Sunday I went to the museum of archaelogy, which is basically a human timeline of stuff they have found in this region, a.k.a. lots of pots, arrowheads, and tools.

It was definitely interesting, especially watching them make tools, and then having the urge to go hit rocks together to see if you can even begin to make anything that looks like a tool.

Good weekend,

Very excited for seeing castles next weekend, and then my birthday/parents are here the weekend after that!

09:34 am: Dangers of living in France
I would just like to let all of you know the perilous nature of the place I am living in.

This morning I got poked in the ass with a baguette. By a total stranger.

Scary stuff eh?

11:57 am: Another tram post...
Seems like all my interesting stories are coming from the tram....sorry.

So, I was waiting for the tram today when a bit of movement caught my eye, I turned to the guy next to me and saw a grey cat crawling on his shoulders. From first glance the guy looked like a bum, but I just thought it was so amusing that the cat never jumped off his shoulders, just stayed there while the guy waited for the tram.

Once on the tram the cat jumped off and sat in the seat across from his owner. I kept watching it, because it was so obviously the most well-trained cat I had ever seen. I had never seen a cat that came to his owner when his owner clucked at him, and never strayed far away. This is all not to mention that this was one of the prettiest grey cats I had ever seen.

So, through the tram ride, I notice the guy get out a package of something, and start rolling what looks like a cigarette. By the time he is finished though, I realize what he has made is in fact most obviously a joint. This of course confuses me greatly, since well, it is illegal in France, and he's on public transportation for heavens sake. So I take a closer look at him.

On closer look, he is not a bum, he is obviously sick. I notice that he has no eyebrows, and though he is wearing a hat, I understand it's because he is bald. He is pale and skinny, but the hollows around his eyes look more sick than hungry. I realize that he probably has cancer.

At this point in time, the cat jumped into her masters lap and began purring while he pet her.

This whole thing almost made me cry. What will the cat do if she loses her obviously much beloved owner? And why does it seem like this man only has one friend in the world. I wanted to give him a hug. But of course, people in France don't do that, so at my stop I leave the tram.

Just makes you think twice about looking only once at a person.....

I hope that man will be okay.

09:29 am: Fun on Trams
So, I think I mentioned that the public transportation system in this city is unbelievable. I buy a pass for 25 bucks a month and I can use all the trams, all the buses and all the trains inside the city as often as I want. Anyway, if I didn't, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, everyday on my way to school, I take the tram. It's a nice easy ride, and I've always enjoyed it. But today was, well...interesting to say the least.

So we were riding along like normal and come to a stop at Viarme-Tallensac, all nice and normal. But then, we didn't leave. We just sat there. Everybody is looking around, wondering why we aren't going, we hear a siren, and wonder if that's perhaps the reason, we all crane our heads to try and figure out why this tram isn't moving.

After about 8 minutes the train started moving, but backwards. Not only does it move backwards, it switches tracks to the opposite side, where trains in the opposite direction go. Then it moves back up into the stop.

It is at this point when we realize there was a train in front of us at the stop, and it does not appear to be moving either. However, at this time the conductor comes on and tells us all what is going on, but at the point where he says whether or not we need to switch trains the thing crackles and NOBODY hears him.

So, at the stop, there are dozens of people standing in the doorways of the tram wondering whether or not to get off and switch trains. I must have seen atleast 10 people get off, and then get back on again. Finally the doors closed and we moved forward in the wrong track. We stayed in the wrong track for 3 stops before switching back to the normal track because there happened to be a train moving in the opposite direction.

Anyway, you probably had to be there to find this as entertaining as I did, but let me tell you, huddled masses of confusion are very entertaining.