lilapplecider

07:38 pm: Pet Peeves
Pet Peeve- People who make plans with me, than bail out. But do not tell me they are bailing. I just end up finding out as I am overhearing their conversation with their significant other. Yeah. That's not cool.

In other news. Swing dancing is awesome. Getting older is scary. And I'm a little bit afraid that this birthday is going to be the loneliest birthday I have ever had.

Go Tribe!!!

05:55 pm: So this weekend I went to my cousin's wedding in Grand Rapids Michigan. It was a beautiful ceremony, and she looked absolutely gorgeous and ridiculously happy.

Have I mentioned that she is 22 years old?

It's very surreal. To me, we will always be in middle school, squabbling and playing capture the flag in the backyard at Thanksgiving. And now she is married. Things like that make me realize how much growing up I have to do. I mean, life starts and either you are ready for it or not. I don't mean knowing exactly what you want to do, or having the whole thing planned and ready. But the real world is coming. No matter what happens I have to take care of myself and at least begin to see life in a different way.

I am starting to realize that it doesn't matter so much which way I go in life, as long as I reach my destination in the end. It's a calming notion. The other thing I realized is how excited I am to meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Anyway. 1 wedding this summer down 1 to go.

12:26 pm: Because it's funny
<td align="center"> Sarah Seider --
[noun]:

A real life muppet

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

12:23 am: Frustration.

I HATE being dismissed offhand. I HATE when I ask people questions, or have suggestions, and they just say no. No real reason why, no good reasons. Suggestions less than favors. But when I ask for something that would make a lot of people's lives a whole lot easier, and I get shot down because she "doesn't want to" It pisses me off.

And then, because I'm pissed off, I want to do something to get back, to make them mad. Like take 20 minutes with my costume change just to be a bitch.

And then I realize I'm thinking like a 4 year old, and that pisses me off even more, because I can't seem to grow up.

I'm not always a good person. But I want to be.

What's wrong with me?

I want to cry.

08:51 am: Spring Break
For those of you who don't know, I spent spring break in California with my grandparents. It was great, the weather was fantastic, and it was just a ton of fun. But I think my favorite part about the weekend was getting to see my grandparents.

They are getting older. It's hard to watch, and even harder to say. My grandfather is having back problems, so he doesn't walk so well. My grandmother had a stroke in december (a very mild one thank God), and although she's a lot better now than she was right after it, you can still see how it aged her. But even though they are getting older, it is adorable to see how they still love each other, and how they help each other.

Every night at dinner, my grandfather pulls out my grandmother's chair for her, and gives her a kiss. It's been their tradition for 58 years. They tease each other and crack jokes about living with one person for so long, but they are so comfortable with each other they do things without thinking. It's just the way they've done them for so long.

I want that with somebody. That easy familiarity, and the simple traditions that keep you going.

I want it to be spring now. I am very tired of snow and cold.

07:57 pm: Fate
Do you believe in fate? HAve you ever believed, if only for a second, that something happens for a reason? Especially silly little things? Have you ever opened a fortune cookie and read the fortune and wanted to believe that you got that fortune for a reason, that somebody, or something is trying to tell you something?

I'm so realistic about most things. I feel almost ridiculous when I believe things like that. But I read my fortune "Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life." And I almost believe it. That the reason Jessie tossed me that fortune cookie was the universe's way of telling me that everything is going okay, that things are working out the way they are supposed to, and second guessing myself will only make my life more stressful right now.

My mother said something similar to me the other day. Maybe the universe is screaming at me. If it takes a fortune cookie to make me really think about it. How does one listen harder to the universe?

I think i'll keep this fortune on me for awhile. Let the Universe know I'm listening, or atleast I'm trying to.

04:18 pm: When I was younger, say around middle school. We had this computer basketball game. Basically the same thing they have on video systems today, but this was the computer. It was a lot of fun, you could choose your teams from the actual players in the NBA and stuff. I always used to put Hakeem Olajuwon on my team. I think I just liked his name, cause he certainly wasn't a Cavs player. For those who aren't up on their basketball greats, he was a fantastic center. I think he's in the top 5 of all time lists. But that isn't what this story is about. The fact is, I used him to shoot 3 point shots during this game. I used my really tall center, to shoot 3 pointers. Talk about misuse of ability.

I had a dream about this last night. Only it was myself. And people were yelling at me, telling me how I was totally misusing my abilities. That I have these talents, that I am just not putting into the correct field.

I don't really believe in dreams, I don't dream a lot, and when I do I kind of go with the freudian theory that it's my subconscious being retarded.

I feel like I am avoiding things, feelings. There's a guy. One of my best guy friends. I've been telling myself I don't like him for years now. I mean, he's fantastic, but I never thought I liked him. But we were talking the other night, about him going out on a date with one of my friends. And a surprising flash of jealousy ran through my body. It kinda threw me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't want to like him. Because I don't want him not to like me back. I don't want to let my stupidity get in the way of this fantastic friendship. It's more complicated than it seems here, I promise. I just don't have the energy to write it all down and explain it. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty sure that this is the reason I've been in such a self-hating mood lately.

It's been so long since I've been kissed. I mean really kissed. It's messing with my head.

Anyway, in happier news. Seeing people I haven't seen in forever REALLY SOON! Brain twin is coming this weekend which makes me so happy. I want this week to be over already so next weekend comes. And then, for spring break I get to go visit Matt Hall in San Diego. Happiness abounds! It's so sad that everybody has to grow up and move all around the country making it hard to see them :-( But I guess it makes visits that much more special!!

I love my puppy.

11:52 pm: Dear Friends,

What I really want to do right now is write a really long emo post about how I feel at this moment. But I'm not gonna. Mainly cause I'm sure nobody wants to hear it. And secondly cause I know it's pretty much the winter blahs and the fact that I keep managing not to go to the gym. I need some endorphines and the freezing walks with the dog aren't doing it for me. Although the puppy helps in many many ways :-D

So, if you happen to talk to me, or see me, and I seem a little bi-polar. Please tell me to get off my ass and go to the gym.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Lazy Winter Sarah

06:46 pm: New Years :-)
You can tell the New Year is fast approaching. On my way home from France I walked into one of the little book shops in the airport. The first huge display of books was all self-help. How to change yourself in seven days. And the magazine racks are even worse. Each and every cover spouting words like "Make your resolution stick!" or "Start your New Year's diet today!"

Makes me wonder what my New Year's resolution should be.

What goal, that I fully realize will probably not be kept, should I pick. Which trait should I pointlessly try to change about myself for 2007? Should I be less focused on boys? But then I realize that is silly, I'm not really the kind of girl who has ever been obsessed with boys. But then again, I think that's because I get the most guys when I'm not focused on guys, so in not being focused on guys I am anyway because I have them.

Perhaps a weight loss goal. But I detest weight loss resolutions because it's so uncreative. That and I don't want that to be a resolution, I just want exercise and a healthy diet to be a part of my life. And it's just so uncreative!

Last year I made a resolution to take more care with my appearance on a daily basis. I didn't do so good at that one, but it's still a goal of mine. But how pathetic is that? Choosing the same New Year's resolution as last year just because I couldn't make it stick last year. Horribly sad and pathetic.

There is always the rebellious choice of not making a New Year's resolution because the entire concept of them is a cutural expectation thrust upon us, forcing us to decide at this one time that there is something about ourselves that we need to change, and then spend a month or two furiously trying to keep said resolution knowing all the while that it's a futile cutural stupidity. But then again, I've never managed to be one of those rebellious types. And sad as it may be, I like the idea of a time where people can feel inadequate and yet know that everyone else is right there with you.

But all of this leaves me at square one. I have no New Year's resolution. Or I can't choose just one. Who knows. I still have three days to decide.

It's good to be home.

03:42 pm: What about me?
Sometimes I just feel like a failure you know?

Not a failure as in I fail at things, or anything, but moreso that I cannot just seem to succeed at anything, as hard as I try. Perhaps I just don't know how to try, or perhaps I don't work hard enough, or something else. I don't know. But to succeed at anything is just beyond my reach, and I don't know how to get there.

I know my future is a worry that I am always complaining about, but I don't think people quite understand. My inability to find a niche in life, my constant falters on what decision I should make, it all stems from not having success in anything to give me a clue that I am going in the right direction.

I worry about my ability to get a job, and to get into grad school. My grades are shit, well okay, not shit, but they certainly aren't good. And the classes I get the best grades in are the easy classes that don't have anything to do with real life, like music theory, which I only get good grades in cause I already knew all the stuff they taught, from taking piano for 12 years. I am impatient, harsh, resistant to authority, convinced of my own opinion, bitchy, immature, and petty. I take out my feelings on things on other people, I never react to bad situations the way I should, and I STILL leave in a huff sometimes. I wouldn't want to hire me, who else would?

And the worse part is, I can't seem to change. I try to change my bad habits, my bad attitude, but it always seems to come back.

I fully realize that this is just a list of my bad traits, that I have good traits too, but it's hard to focus on those sometimes. Especially when they don't seem to get me anywhere. And when I also have a lot of traits that can be good or bad depending on how I use them it's even harder to change for the better.

I realize there are things that I am good at, honestly I do. But it doesn't matter that I have a pretty voice, when I don't have the acting chops or looks to make use of it. I know I am good at memorizing things, but it's worthless when you don't have a goal of what to memorize.

I feel inadequate. That is a good word. Not like I am failing at anything, but just like I am just behind the line of what constitutes good for anything.

Not only do I not succeed at anything, I am completely scared of failure. This is why I shy away from teh idea of med school, because I am just terrified that I will do terribly on the MCAT and that every school would reject me. And it would just justify my inadequacy at life.

I need a sign. I need some kind of validation that doesn't come from the people who know me best. I need validation from a complete and total stranger, or a class, or anything.

For those who are wondering this all stemmed from teh fact that my grades here in France suck. And it's not like a really care about what I'm getting in analyzing french poetry, but it's having to explain it to somebody. HAving to explain that because I wasn't as good as everybody else in French that my grades suffered because I couldn't express myself in a sophisticated fashion. It's just another validation that I am not as good as everybody else. It's not that I'm terrible, it's just that there are plenty of people in line in front of me.

Now I'm standing on the corner all the world's gone home
Nobodys changed, nobodys been saved and I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I've smiled a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got.
What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see, I want to live
But you just take more than you give